Day 19: Snap out of it
1:00 PM. I made it to 1:00. “It’s too early for this,” I stare at my screen and feel an emotional wave building. This one’s a tidal wave.
I get on my coat; pull up my Chelsea boot. “Just go on a walk, baby,” I soothe. “It’s going to be ok—you are ok.”
Chi-clunk. I exit through the door to the alley and the sun hits my skin so full and bright my eyes are forced shut. “Breathe,” I whisper, but as I take a deep inhale the muscles in my face contract and I’m crying. Just walking the sidewalk to my beloved Lincoln Park, crying.
Entries from my notes app; the inner knowing
April 2024: From here on out, everything is new. Everything will be scary. Script your narrative for this season or fear will hijack the narrative. Capture every lesson.
You can change the narrative. Watch for the victim and hug it. And then continue on cleaning your sidewalk, giving back, in your deepest authenticity.
You’re an 8-Diamonds, you cannot fail.
I love you, you’re doing it, it’s a process. I need you to stumble, remember? I need you to strengthen your trunk because the wind will blow. You’re on Earth.
Am I where I want to be? Hell no. Not even close. Every day is a recommitment. Getting intimate with time and how I spend it, who I spend it with. I’m in a laboratory, curious and open, seeing how far I can go.
I embody dandasana. I prepare for the big as I master the small. Most of all, I relax into a sensation only my body can feel: something we’ve come to know as ‘trust.’
From the internet: Get used to things going your way. Relax into that. I don’t care what happened in the past. The past is dead. It’s over. Your new normal is that you win.
July 2024, post-heartbreak: You’re scared and misdirected because you have to make a new dream. You manifested this. It’s compelling. It’s visual. It’s time to cross it off. You’re on the next wrung of the ladder. Celebrate.
Can you not see you’re adapting? That you are the fittest? And you have DISPLACED YOURSELF over and over to raise the quality of people surrounding you, to lift yourself higher than the darkness you were born into. Do you not see?
From Co-Star: Take action based on your desires. Bet on yourself instead of blaming planets. Winners make their own luck.
June 2024: You are playing the absolute best hand you can with the cards you’ve been given. You met yourself in the dark and burned there. You built yourself from nothing and found wisdom.
I’m aware of how short we have to live. Only so many life stages. I’m not in a hurry to acquire when I wasn’t first prepared to sustain my own life. Others are needed to advance society. Those like me heal it. We need both parts. Balance, yin and yang, physical and spiritual.
Don’t give in.
Fight the fear,
The, I can’t,
The, I don’t think I can go on like this,
The drowning.
Please keep going.
Please make your steps small and incremental.
Please believe it won’t always be like this.
Please be proud.
Please forgive yourself.
Breathe.
Keep breathing.
Just a little bit further.